RAGC90

Sometimes, I wish I had a real father and got to grow up with a father that didn't abuse my mom or rip our lives apart.

Then I think about it, look at the life we have now, our struggle, and I wouldn't have it any other way. When June 2012 (or so) comes around, I know that these past few years will be worth it.

Remember when I cried at Karen's cotillion about all this? HAHAHA

I totally just felt sad and hurt for about 2 minutes and got over it, I don't give a fuck. It's not worth the pain anymore.

For some reason, I don't feel comfortable posting any of these things on tumblr. I know it's open to the public the same way but I don't know..

"Welcome to the real world", she said to me

John Mayer - No Such Thing

I love this song.

I'm 19 years old. I wouldn't say that my life is that hard. My life is different from other peoples. But I'm not that self-centered to say that no one will ever understand the life that I've lived. I mean, if someone wanted to they would try that hard and I believe that they could almost come close. I would never tell someone to talk in my shoes or shut the fuck up because would you really want someone to feel the pain that you've endured? Cmon guys, have a heart.

There's one thing though, I still haven't learned how to tackle my insecurities. Maybe that's why I'm so OCD, worried, stressed, and afraid all the time. I'm insecure about everything, I need to learn how to work on that. It took me years to be able to look at people in the eye, Thanks Shawn Metra. It also took me like four years to even gain some self-confidence/esteem and it's still a work in the progress to this day. Thanks Ralph, thanks for never going anywhere. (I wonder if you still have the poster..)

Tumblr/txnguyen

Strike up the band and make the fireflies dance

Those who went to high school with me or has ever been in my integra most likely knew that this is one of my favorite songs ever. Then again, it was my ring tone 75% of the time throughout high school. I don't know how I've forgotten about it these past few months but Angelina's friendly reminder made me smile. :) This song always makes me happy, right next to BS - Sometimes. I still remember when Ralph and I sat around forevererererererer trying to decide which should be my Homecoming song. Too bad we couldn't hear it when I was walking down the carpet. :( Oh well. I wish I didn't have to say that this song was playing in the background when adhfgkadfg and I first kissed. Whatever, I love this song.

PostSecret makes me happy also.

So do you.

I'm missing parts, now that you've told me everything

Saosin - Voices

I wish I knew why I'm so fascinated by organization, computers, and simplicity. Then again, the combination of those three might as well be a straight up oxymoron. We all also know that I pretend to be a nerd at heart. If only I was, it'd be too awesome. Then again, Jarrel considers mine and Clarenz's MBP Parties as us "bonding" as a couple, hah.

As hard as it may be living 200 miles away from home, my mom, Tuan, and my boyfriend, this place is beginning to be my concrete home. If I could I would kidnap them and have them here with me whenever I wanted. Too bad the world doesn't work that way. Does that make me selfish? For some reason when I'm here, I still feel like a kid, or well a college student and all that. But at home, I feel like I'm a grown ass adult takin' care of business everyday. I'm not necessarily complaining about my life, just analyzing how I live a different life at each place.

Knocked Up was on E! today. They've been talking about that shit all over tv and radio.

Alison: You're a sweet guy, right?

Ben: I think I am. Yeah.

Alison: Don't fuck me over, okay?

Ben: I wouldn't do that. I'm-- Just so you know, I'm the guy girls fuck over. I'm that guy. So you don't fuck me over. Okay?

Alison: Okay.

HI #JD! HI RG!

OH YEAH. There's some gnarly winds out right now, feels like a fucking tornado! :(

All I know you make me feel like six million dollars, star tonight

Tamia Ft. Talib Kweli - Officially Missing You

Asis has usually been the one the has kept me on my feet with blogging. I thought I was getting better but I slacked off again. I've been so preoccupied with things here and there that I started to neglect this thing again. I need to be do a better job. Oh well, at least my last few weeks of summer were spent well. :)

Everyone already knows where I'm going with this update. It's 1:20am, on a school night and I'm still up NOT doing my assignment. Fall Quarter/2009-2010 at Cal Poly has officially begun! Asis and I used to always have the longest conversations of how epic our 2nd year would be living in Poly Canyon; it's finally here! It's only right if I make this a lame update about every little aspect of my life since it's been that long, hah.

I have awesome roommates. :) Too bad I've been so busy with going back and forth between home and here, TVSA, classes, and breathing that I've barely spent a solid 30 minutes hanging out with them. I love the location of my apartment even though it is far from everything else. It's so much more quiet and we don't have to deal with the plaza fuss. Canyon Circle Parking Structure is literally across from our apartment. Oh yeah, our apartment is on the first floor so it's easy access when we get groceries and whatnot. :) DID I MENTION THAT THIS IS MY FIRST PRIVATE ROOM EVER?! YUP! It's actually pretty lonely because I've never had my own room before but I'm slowly getting used to sleeping in a room by myself. How did I manage to forget how mellow SLO was and what it was like to have a stable place to come home to at night.

Of courseee it's awesome to see the homies again. Hah, I said homies. Pretty much got reunited with the TVSA crew/siblings, Asis, Dumb & Dumber (Tony & Derek), drunk homie, and everyone. I just haven't had the chance to REALLY hang out with my big or Tiff yet. :( For some reason, life in SLO always seems like such a (pleasant) routine. Class, breaks, hanging out, doing nothing, and great company. I have a horrible tendency to always express how much I love this town and that Home is such a burden to me. But at the end of the day, my heart is always gonna be at Home. I love the friends that I'm still friends with today, post- high school. All of us have changed and (hopefully) grown as a person yet nothing is going to convince me that if it's unlikely that I'm still going to be friends with these people in a few years. Nothing can prevent me from firmly believing in effort and perseverance. I miss #JG, #JD, RG, JG, and AN every day.

I'm struggling more than ever adjusting to being in my first "long distance" relationship (not to mention my second actual relationship). If anyone knows me and my "philosophy" of life and everything in between, I don't believe in long distance relationships. I have this pessimistic perspective that is always going to question and have doubts for everything. While going over the introduction of Sociology today, my professor explained how we need to think like a peanut head. Yeah, peanut head? WTF?! He meant peanut head in a sense that we have to question everything we are told and everything we think we know. How do we know what we know? How do our peers know what they know? He basically told us that he used to not believe in certain ideals and when he did, he questioned himself why he was ever against it. You can say it made me realize that I never had the right to discourage peoples' decisions to be in a long distance relationship. Scientific research has proven that long distance relationships are bound to fail. (Courtesy of Psychology class last Spring.) But just because other people have failed in these relationships doesn't quite mean that my relationship is going to fail. I have strong opinions and strive to prove peoples' doubts wrong. For all I know, science and the odds are all against me but too-fucking-bad cause it's not stopping me. Clarenz Posadas<3

PS. I miss you, creep!

So maybe this update really did end up being about me missing people and babbling like always.

I know what I'm doing, don't question it

For once, I've figured it out. It took me forever and few weeks plus another dramatic day.

I've been so bitter about it all this time. Not once did I try to look at it in a better perspective. Sometimes, we need to fall in order to rise above ourselves. For the past 8 years, we were waiting for the day to come and it finally did when we least expected it. It kicked our ass. If anything, it still is right now. Never will I admit this but starting over is really the only thing we have left to do. In order to get over this, I seriously need to swallow my pride completely and look at it in a new perspective.

I'm always good at making the best of what I have, I wish I knew what happened. I can't believe I ever let the things Tim said get to me. That's when you know things are all bad.

Like everyone else, I took for granted the fact that I had a real home and now I barely know what it is. Aside from that, I always took my best friend for granted expecting that he'd always be there to sit with me while I'm crying without saying a word. Everything got to me so much, I couldn't even stick around to my mom without breaking down so I didn't. Now, I barely get to see her at all.

For as long as I could remember, I've always depended on certain people in my life to "make things better" for me. When I left, I told myself I'd take better care of myself so they wouldn't have to. I thought I was doing a better job. But during that same time, trusting people became a huge issue for me. I finally started getting tired of it trying. I was tired of the broken promises. Tired of getting my hopes up. Tired of constantly setting myself up for disappointment. It got to the point where I realized that I was the only one trying. And then I just didn't give a fuck anymore. They'll be back when they need me/something, they always do. Now, I'm having such a hard time completely letting my guard down and all it's doing is kicking my ass.

The best part of this is that everyday is a new day consisting of a new goal.

My goal today is to convince you how I feel and that I do know what I'm doing.

Sent via BlackBerry

Give me pieces, give me things to stay awake

The All-American Rejects - Dance Inside

Heard this song for the first time in months a few days ago. It was nice hearing it again. I used to hella listen to the album and when it would get to this song, I'd listen to it another 34583490 times. Hah. Thanks for putting it on the cd for me, Clarenz.

Guess it's only right for me to to make sure I make a mark of today. The last official day of living at 2530 Forbes Ave. The only address I've ever known for myself. Funny of me to say that considering it's my last day and I've been in that house for less than 12 hours today. Tracey is joining me in driving to SLO tonight to move some of my stuff down there along with Albert's mattress. I've missed the beauty and simplicity of that town. It'll be nice to be back there for a bit. I miss my Big too. She's coming back from Thailand today, YAY!

Last night, as I was dropping off the last few boxes of my belongings at different places, I just didn't know how to feel anymore. I wasn't mad. Maybe sad. But more lost and confused. Denial? Most likely. It's gonna take a bit of time but I'll be fine in no time, don't YOU worry. Isn't it convenient how I'm going to SLO this weekend too? I wasn't sure if I planned it this way intentionally but it seems like I'm running away from the reality. Too bad I'm not. Throughout the past year, I've tried with every muscle in my body to learn to be independent and fix myself when I'm down. Before, it was basically always Ralph having to be my best friend and listening to me bitch and cry all the fucking time. (Thanks RG!) I'm not pushing people away, I'm just taking care of myself. It isn't as bad as it sounds, if anything it's pretty refreshing.

Speaking of refreshing, #JD and I have been back at the gym and it's the BEST FEELING EVER. My back doesn't ache nor crack as much anymore. I love the feeling of accomplishment after leaving the gym. (With exception of our McD's rampage night.) I sleep sooooooooo well. I had so much discipline last Fall to work out and everything, going like 5-6 times/week. Gotta get back on that. Thanks #JD :)

Shits getting REAL. I'm okay, I promise. <3

Treat 'em like they don't stand a chance

Cobra Starship - Good Girls Go Bad

I feel like I only update this thing like twice a month. Pretty sure I need to more often to maintain my sanity, ha. Past few times I've come around, I've been pretty damn angry.

Clarenz told me that I'm mad like everyday and I need to not let it get to me anymore. All these things are literally driving me daghadoifgdfg. At least I'm not sitting around crying about it anymore? The things I'd give to have the 3 T's back. ANYTHING. Fuck the pride, fuck the remorse, fuck the regrets. Too bad the damage has been done and there's not much we could do about it anymore but deal.

Really though, I think I'm more sad than mad. I need to learn how to deal with all this better. Going to the gym again has helped a bit, I just need to be more consistent with it. Most people already know but I've been packing away my life since I've left for SLO. It wasn't until yesterday that I officially moved some of my stuff out of the house and into my mom's place she's staying at for a while. As I was driving to the house, I couldn't tell if I was angry at my dad, Tim and everyone for letting it come down to this or if it was because this is really happening. Guess you can say, I'm still confused on how to deal with this. I'm not the type to throw everything away and start over. I like to try to fix it and say I've given it my all. iodafhgiodg I don't know, I really don't.

I just miss my family.
And my best friend and our random ass errands of doing whatever. I'm not going anywhere.
Pretty sure I miss everything but whatever, gotta suck it up.

This isn't the end of the world. Just need to get through the day and I'll be okay.

I wish I didn't give a fuck, but YOU already know I doooooooo.