RAGC90

Sometimes, I wish I had a real father and got to grow up with a father that didn't abuse my mom or rip our lives apart.

Then I think about it, look at the life we have now, our struggle, and I wouldn't have it any other way. When June 2012 (or so) comes around, I know that these past few years will be worth it.

Remember when I cried at Karen's cotillion about all this? HAHAHA

I totally just felt sad and hurt for about 2 minutes and got over it, I don't give a fuck. It's not worth the pain anymore.

For some reason, I don't feel comfortable posting any of these things on tumblr. I know it's open to the public the same way but I don't know..

I know what I'm doing, don't question it

For once, I've figured it out. It took me forever and few weeks plus another dramatic day.

I've been so bitter about it all this time. Not once did I try to look at it in a better perspective. Sometimes, we need to fall in order to rise above ourselves. For the past 8 years, we were waiting for the day to come and it finally did when we least expected it. It kicked our ass. If anything, it still is right now. Never will I admit this but starting over is really the only thing we have left to do. In order to get over this, I seriously need to swallow my pride completely and look at it in a new perspective.

I'm always good at making the best of what I have, I wish I knew what happened. I can't believe I ever let the things Tim said get to me. That's when you know things are all bad.

Like everyone else, I took for granted the fact that I had a real home and now I barely know what it is. Aside from that, I always took my best friend for granted expecting that he'd always be there to sit with me while I'm crying without saying a word. Everything got to me so much, I couldn't even stick around to my mom without breaking down so I didn't. Now, I barely get to see her at all.

For as long as I could remember, I've always depended on certain people in my life to "make things better" for me. When I left, I told myself I'd take better care of myself so they wouldn't have to. I thought I was doing a better job. But during that same time, trusting people became a huge issue for me. I finally started getting tired of it trying. I was tired of the broken promises. Tired of getting my hopes up. Tired of constantly setting myself up for disappointment. It got to the point where I realized that I was the only one trying. And then I just didn't give a fuck anymore. They'll be back when they need me/something, they always do. Now, I'm having such a hard time completely letting my guard down and all it's doing is kicking my ass.

The best part of this is that everyday is a new day consisting of a new goal.

My goal today is to convince you how I feel and that I do know what I'm doing.

Sent via BlackBerry

Wowowowowowowow

Nope, I'm not threaten at all. ..about that -_- I suddenly feel like I have everything to worry about.

There are many many things to be said and right now, I'm just figuring out how to say it in a civilized way.

Because one day someone will come along and things will work out. They won't only be my friend when they're fucking single or when they need something from me. Or in certain cases, a fucking idiotic creep.

Wow, you've preached disappointment towards me all these months and years. And in the end, you're the same as me except I never said such immature things to you. Whatever, if I can't handle you at your worst than I don't deserve you at your best, MY ASS. You're so full of shit and a shitty friend.

Now you'll never see what you've done to me

The All-American Rejects - Gives You Hell

Okay. "Real talk". I've never been through this much all at once in my life. But the thing is that, I've been doing a pretty decent job at hiding it as much as I can. For once, the unknown is scaring the living hell out of me. I've totally reached my all time low. I don't even know how to answer anyone's questions anymore.


You wanna know what I just realized? At this same time, exactly one year ago.. I cried my eyes out every single day. Wake up, cry, go to school, cry, come home, cry til I fall asleep, wake up cry til I asleep again, wake up do it all over again. It was also the best time of my life because that's when I found "my real friends". I don't like that I found them when I was at such a low point in my life. It sounds pathetic. Let's scratch that.. I found the funnest people to graduate with. The people that I will look back 10 years from now and giggle the way I did sitting with them that week of graduation practice. I'm not sure what I'm saying or what I'm trying to get at. One year later, I am broken into pieces and it's not about HIM. That should should be an accomplishment, yeah? Shit, what the hell. We all know I take every chance I get to NOT be broken over a boy. It's okay, we all make mistakes.

Is it sad that if I had the choice, I'd relive that week from last year to just make these weeks ago away? Yeah, it's that bad. But I keep acting like it's that bad. Maybe I'm numb. Maybe last year is the reason I don't know how to be this broken this time around.

I bet you're thinking that I'm talking about a boy though, huh? Just keep asking yourself how well you know me.

The thing is though.. I'm not that bitter?

I'm such a fucking babbler. I got off on weird ass tangents. Why do people let me blog? Geeez.

On sleepless roads the sleepless goes

Jimmy Eat World - Hear You Me

Laying in bed on my phone with my ipod trying to sleep early for once. There's this itch that has been bothering me so much lately.

Who do you think you are to judge my lifestyle and my struggles? So I have horrible spending tendencies, "waste money" and at the same time my family is going through a ridiculous financial/housing struggle. I don't need you to compare me to your ways. You have far from any right to have any opinion to my life.

You don't know or understand what I've been through, how I feel, or what I've seen to get where I am today. I could careless about your background because regardless of how much you try to put it on me, you haven't literally been in my shoes. Even if you have been through worse, it still gives you absolutely NO RIGHT to anything towards me.

My apologizes BlogSpot for yet another bitter post, you don't deserve it.

You give me feelings that I adore

Colbie Caillat - Bubbly

It's been 11 months. Almost a year and I'm still not okay. I've tried to be okay, I've been okay but I'm never OKAY. This time a year ago was the hardest and happiest month. It's unfortunate it ended so miserably. I'd say bitter sweet but it was more bitter. Then again, I get to say that at one point in time, I was happy.

Does this song remind you of me?
No.

I wish it didn't now. I'm such an idiot and I'll never forgive myself for that.

And as we lay beneath the stars, we realize how small we are

If Everyone Cared - Nickelback

I never know where to start. I told myself I would never ever ever ever ever EVER again let this thought ever fall into my little head. I SWORE TO MYSELF. If I did so then why in the world am I even thinking about the possibly of transferring to SJSU? NO SJSU, NO FUCKING SJSU. I've told myself this since day one that I wouldn't go there. Not that I have anything against or anything considering it is a great school for business and a teachings credential but I don't want to do it that way. Possibly just how I am because I love where I'm at right now and I don't want to hold regrets of going there because I had to handle family responsibilities that the could have easily done themselves. Call me selfish, bitchy, self-centered for doing this but I refuse to have it all on my plate when they are capable of doing it themselves. I have never met such guys who are supposed to be grown ass MEN with so little responsibility. Like seriously, are you kidding me? The reason I am here at Cal Poly, in college is so that thing would get better in the long run and take care of my mom. But how the hell am I going to ever have the sanity to do such a thing if these guys are going to eventually stress/overwhelm her health away? SERIOUSLY GUYS, SERIOUSLY? I'm 190 miles away and still have to do your responsibilities for you all. This is ridiculous, it really is. Yeah, let's have the baby do the babysitting for everyone around here.

Ugh, angry posts are definitely not my favorite and I usually try my best to refrain from them because I know I'm just babbling anger. But this time around, I'm pretty sure I've felt this way for some time now.

what. the. fuck.