This time, this place, misused, mistakes, too long, too late

Nickelback - Far Away

Not as emo as I seem. Just a friendly babble.

JD and I went to the gym today and decided we fail at life. Instead, we went to one of the few places that calms my nerves to do my favorite thing ever! Stupid us, we got light headed within 10 minutes because we like our phones too much.

Today was a good day. I wasted gas as always, didn't wake up irritated or anything, got some Passion Green Tea, got to see Ms. A and Keneman, picked up Lance from SC, dropped Charity off at Fremont, watched the boy sleep, and SWING! :) Didn't worry too much about anything, just got by another day with little worries.

Then I realized why I have a blogspot instead of tumblr. I miss Xanga but I guess I wanted to be "cool" or whatever because I'm gay like that. Tumblr intimidates me in the way that people go far enough to "like" other peoples' posts and repost them or whatever. I'm not that creative and nifty, I just babble my little head away all the time. And I don't mind of people don't sit around and read this. It's not like I care if they do or not, it's just for JD to know I'm alive! In conclusion. HI BLOGSPOT! YOU'RE COOL. I'm so weird.

AASIS HAS BEEN MIA FROM MY LIFE FOR THE PAST 2+ MONTHS. NOT COOL.

Really though, swings have a way of calming down like there's not a worry in the world. I'm sorry I've neglected you this summer. We only hung out 3 times this summer as oppose to the at least once a week, I fail. Please forgive me.

One of these days, Tuan literally going to kill me for always scaring him about being pregnant when I'm really just craving everything in the world to eat. I blame JD. Speaking of, Brian leaves for Florida on Monday night which means that him and I need to go on our sushi lunch date before he's gone!

I wish I should make a list of things that make me happy for when I 'm not-so-happy to remind me to be happy.

What makes me happy? Swings, JD, showers (haha), passion fruit green tea, jasmine green tea, hugs, "the little boy" (as Charity would say..)

I know what I'm doing, don't question it

For once, I've figured it out. It took me forever and few weeks plus another dramatic day.

I've been so bitter about it all this time. Not once did I try to look at it in a better perspective. Sometimes, we need to fall in order to rise above ourselves. For the past 8 years, we were waiting for the day to come and it finally did when we least expected it. It kicked our ass. If anything, it still is right now. Never will I admit this but starting over is really the only thing we have left to do. In order to get over this, I seriously need to swallow my pride completely and look at it in a new perspective.

I'm always good at making the best of what I have, I wish I knew what happened. I can't believe I ever let the things Tim said get to me. That's when you know things are all bad.

Like everyone else, I took for granted the fact that I had a real home and now I barely know what it is. Aside from that, I always took my best friend for granted expecting that he'd always be there to sit with me while I'm crying without saying a word. Everything got to me so much, I couldn't even stick around to my mom without breaking down so I didn't. Now, I barely get to see her at all.

For as long as I could remember, I've always depended on certain people in my life to "make things better" for me. When I left, I told myself I'd take better care of myself so they wouldn't have to. I thought I was doing a better job. But during that same time, trusting people became a huge issue for me. I finally started getting tired of it trying. I was tired of the broken promises. Tired of getting my hopes up. Tired of constantly setting myself up for disappointment. It got to the point where I realized that I was the only one trying. And then I just didn't give a fuck anymore. They'll be back when they need me/something, they always do. Now, I'm having such a hard time completely letting my guard down and all it's doing is kicking my ass.

The best part of this is that everyday is a new day consisting of a new goal.

My goal today is to convince you how I feel and that I do know what I'm doing.

Sent via BlackBerry

ANYDAY

Give me pieces, give me things to stay awake

The All-American Rejects - Dance Inside

Heard this song for the first time in months a few days ago. It was nice hearing it again. I used to hella listen to the album and when it would get to this song, I'd listen to it another 34583490 times. Hah. Thanks for putting it on the cd for me, Clarenz.

Guess it's only right for me to to make sure I make a mark of today. The last official day of living at 2530 Forbes Ave. The only address I've ever known for myself. Funny of me to say that considering it's my last day and I've been in that house for less than 12 hours today. Tracey is joining me in driving to SLO tonight to move some of my stuff down there along with Albert's mattress. I've missed the beauty and simplicity of that town. It'll be nice to be back there for a bit. I miss my Big too. She's coming back from Thailand today, YAY!

Last night, as I was dropping off the last few boxes of my belongings at different places, I just didn't know how to feel anymore. I wasn't mad. Maybe sad. But more lost and confused. Denial? Most likely. It's gonna take a bit of time but I'll be fine in no time, don't YOU worry. Isn't it convenient how I'm going to SLO this weekend too? I wasn't sure if I planned it this way intentionally but it seems like I'm running away from the reality. Too bad I'm not. Throughout the past year, I've tried with every muscle in my body to learn to be independent and fix myself when I'm down. Before, it was basically always Ralph having to be my best friend and listening to me bitch and cry all the fucking time. (Thanks RG!) I'm not pushing people away, I'm just taking care of myself. It isn't as bad as it sounds, if anything it's pretty refreshing.

Speaking of refreshing, #JD and I have been back at the gym and it's the BEST FEELING EVER. My back doesn't ache nor crack as much anymore. I love the feeling of accomplishment after leaving the gym. (With exception of our McD's rampage night.) I sleep sooooooooo well. I had so much discipline last Fall to work out and everything, going like 5-6 times/week. Gotta get back on that. Thanks #JD :)

Shits getting REAL. I'm okay, I promise. <3

Wowowowowowowow

Nope, I'm not threaten at all. ..about that -_- I suddenly feel like I have everything to worry about.

Too good to not repost

Thanks AAsis!

Treat 'em like they don't stand a chance

Cobra Starship - Good Girls Go Bad

I feel like I only update this thing like twice a month. Pretty sure I need to more often to maintain my sanity, ha. Past few times I've come around, I've been pretty damn angry.

Clarenz told me that I'm mad like everyday and I need to not let it get to me anymore. All these things are literally driving me daghadoifgdfg. At least I'm not sitting around crying about it anymore? The things I'd give to have the 3 T's back. ANYTHING. Fuck the pride, fuck the remorse, fuck the regrets. Too bad the damage has been done and there's not much we could do about it anymore but deal.

Really though, I think I'm more sad than mad. I need to learn how to deal with all this better. Going to the gym again has helped a bit, I just need to be more consistent with it. Most people already know but I've been packing away my life since I've left for SLO. It wasn't until yesterday that I officially moved some of my stuff out of the house and into my mom's place she's staying at for a while. As I was driving to the house, I couldn't tell if I was angry at my dad, Tim and everyone for letting it come down to this or if it was because this is really happening. Guess you can say, I'm still confused on how to deal with this. I'm not the type to throw everything away and start over. I like to try to fix it and say I've given it my all. iodafhgiodg I don't know, I really don't.

I just miss my family.
And my best friend and our random ass errands of doing whatever. I'm not going anywhere.
Pretty sure I miss everything but whatever, gotta suck it up.

This isn't the end of the world. Just need to get through the day and I'll be okay.

I wish I didn't give a fuck, but YOU already know I doooooooo.