Optimist Award

Jgleit and I got this award during our senior year of high school.

Anyone who knows me knows that I'm not the most optimistic person out there and for me to receive such an awards is ridiculous. It was definitely an honor for Mr. Shelby to think that I (we) deserved it but it's not very me. With that aside, I've been spending the past year of my life trying to be more optimistic and slowly let go of my pessimism. Nonetheless, I often characterize myself as a realist knowing how too much optimism and pessimism can be harmful. When it comes down to it, I don't take things easy when I'm doubted by my peers. As someone who lacks self-confidence at times, being doubted doesn't help. I mean I have a bad temper I'm trying to work on and a mouth full of profanity but I'm really not that bad of a person.

Have some faith in me.

Not-so-happy December

It's annoying stupid of a start I've given myself to start off this month. At one point, I thought I got better at this but I really need to learn how to control my anger/frustration. I'm still having a tough time moving my fingers.

This is my second fall quarter "dead week" at Cal Poly and it's the second time that a student has passed away. Oh the things that college does to us..

RIP Carson Starsky & Charles Tamae

We honestly haven't had one single recent conversation this week, how annoying. I think I ask for too much.

I think I'm having a dark day.

Today's one of those days where I feel so overwhelmed, fed up, annoyed, unappreciated, and fhjlfdhdydf.

I've been ignoring my mom's calls cause I don't like telling her I don't have money to lend her. It sucks even more knowing that I should have given her the money earlier or put it aside instead of helping and spoiling people, giving so much to others.

At the same time, I still don't think I'm enough. Yet, I know for a fact that I've given and invested a lot.

Apparently the fact that I'm here isn't good enough. THAT hurts. I'm either doing something wrong or not doing something.

Happy December

9 days til 4, 10 days til I'm home, 18 days til Clarenz' 20th Birthday, 25 days til Christmas

I feel stupid for feeling this way but every time this happens, I'm afraid that it's going to turn out the way it did before. That it isn't just a little fight that it might be the last straw like last time.

I feel stupid for carrying around this worried feeling I'm gonna be replaced by something "better" again, I wish I knew why I'm constantly worried about stupid little girls from the past. Okay more like the recent ones..especially since they're nice and pretty and more affectionate. -_-

I'm trying really hard to not be insecure but it's hard knowing that there've been so many before. Let alone, not long before me. I know I'm talking nonsense but dakfbgadg fuck.

On another topic, why the hell do I feel like those annoying ass people that constantly bitch about how lonely they are when they're the one pushing people away? In this case, I'm pretty much referring to how I'm more and more discouraged of the holiday season this year. I have every reason to be happy thanks to the awesome people in my life but I feel a huge empty piece inside that I'd like back.

PMS is never my excuse but is it a coincidence that I'm getting it soon? -_- I sound like such a fucking girl right now.

I'm okay, shut the fuck up and suck it up Tammy.