SO FREAKING BIPOLAR

Tonight's episode doesn't feel as special as it should..
Thanks for ruining my date.

So much questioning. I know I should but I always have this little bit in me that questions people's actions and whether or not it is genuine. Are you just being nice to me but in reality, you're as fake as the last person? I'm beginning to think I give people too much credit sometimes.

Just because I haven't said anything doesn't mean I'm not waiting.

I have my speculations and whatnot but I'm not gonna say anything. I'm gonna proceed and see how it comes along. Yeah, biting my tongue and not let my thoughts take over. Just don't forget about what you told me you'd do.

I've become one of them. I can't believe it but I have. I can't seem to trust anyone's words or actions anymore. In the past, I've been fooled before and I knew I could never let that happen to again. Until it happened, of course. Now, I'm questions anything and everything. Not so much assuming but more hesitant and skeptical. I need you to prove me wrong.

I was a happy, happy camper to find out that you were gonna actually come and it was just a rush of emotions when I saw you.

Then as we were laying in bed waiting to fall asleep, you decided to talk about why it's weird that you're there when you say you like her. How the fuck am I supposed to know? As much as I appreciate it and I really really do, I didn't ask you to come here. It would have been fine until you had to question that, ugh. Why oh why.. I have neeeever, ever asked you to drive here. I never had the right to and the fact that you decided to come see me on impulse was one of the nicest things you've ever done for me. Until you brought her up.

Sigh, sigh, sigh.

When will I stop comparing, analyzing, scrutinizing myself? At this point, I really just wanna stay my bed and sleep until I feel better. Or be at home..

…I hate it when you’re not around,
and the fact that you didn’t call.
But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you,
not even close…
not even a little bit…
not even at all.

UGH, keep it in. Keep it in, keep it in. Don't even lash out about it. You should know how I feel right now and what you did and how it doesn't make sense.

I shared a show with you and you denied it because of your assumptions. You, though, have the audacity to do the same thing for that reason. Wtheck bro? Nope, not gonna get mad not gonna pick the fight. You know what you did. You can fight that up with yourself because I'm not gonna fight with you on it.

Aggressive Tammy - 0, Passive Tammy - 1

10th of the Month

"You understand why things have to be this way right?"
Yes, I do. I take full responsibility for it and it still hurts to hear it though. We'll be paying for this for the rest of our lives but I've got my fingers and toes crossed for a future. You already know where my 11:11 wishes are headed.

ForYourInformation

I had a happy weekend <3

Arguments and fights

I've gotten to the point where I don't care if I'm right or wrong. As long as I bite my tongue and shut up then it's okay.

Venting here has really helped me with my feelings. I'm not bottling it up but I'm also not blowing up at anyone. Just gotta get it out of my system.

"Because you made me mad."
Nope, that's not an excuse to do anything. Especially since you know that someone has that used that line on me before. Not okay, pwease stop.

If you know that I don't deserve this then why are you treating me this way? Why would you rather leave my life than change? Is it thaaaaaat hard to change and not treat me like this?

Another day, another eye infection.

Sigh, how did I go from being the super aggressive, short-temper person to being so passive? And it's still not enough... I never know the right things to say to not piss you off anymore. It's like I'm talking to Tim or someone. I have to choose the right words in the right tones or else I'm setting off your temper.

If you want me to drop it, I'll drop it. I'll bite my tongue as much as I can, I will.


This is the person I've become.

The pressures increasing more and more every day. Happiness isn't something that should be forced, it should just happen. And when it happens, I'll be happy. I'm not trying to walk around pretending I'm happy. Been there and done that, it got me here. I don't need someone to force it onto me, if they want to be there then they'll be next to me.

All my life, I've been told what a strong person I was and everything but it doesn't feel like I have much to show for it. It's like.. each time someone reminds me how strong I am, I feel that much weaker.

Yeah, that feeling of never being enough. I hate being one of those girls. I fucking haaaaaaaate it. Not happy enough, not positive enough, not confident enough, not anything enough. Those feelings where no matter how much you try, it is not enough. That's how you make me feel sometimes. That my effort aren't there and I'm not listening. I listen, I really really listen. I've been my tongue and held back from so many slips lately. I don't get annnnny credit for it?! None?!

It's to the point where I feel like I have to go somewhere else to spill myself because I'm afraid to say the wrong things to you. The wrong things that'll upset you or disappoint you or annoy you or make you mad. Half of me knows you're probably never going to read this but at least I'm putting it out here to relieve myself rather than telling you and pissing you off. I also know that people don't read this anymore so I don't necessarily have to put it on private. If you do stumble upon this one day, I guess you'll know what's going through my head. Nothing so much to spite or make you mad, this is just how I feel on the inside right now.

-_-

Are there any girls that talk to you that you haven't tried getting at?

In the past 36 days, I've spent a total of 22 full days (all 24 hours) in SLO. That's 61.1%. That doesn't sound so bad until you factor that fact that I'm technically going to school here full-time. I've been going through hell and back lately with all of this traveling but a part of me has been more happy at home. I feel so guilty saying that but I do. Maybe I'm just going through a phase again or something because SLO doesn't necessarily give me any reason to not be happy.

I think I just need some time to figure out my life, my wants, needs and everything else. I'm not really sure where I'm supposed do all of this figuring out at though. My heart's been with the Bay lately though. I find myself going back and forth about where I consider my safe haven to be. First, it was SLO then it was the Bay then back to SLO and now it's the Bay again.

What to do, what to do. I would have never thought that I'd be in the position that I am today. I wouldn't necessarily say regret though..

I didn't think I'd be back here for more of these posts.

Within 5 minutes last night, I was told that I was annoying, selfish and stupid by the only person I'd ever thought wouldn't say such a thing. How does that make me feel?

You don't even want to know. I guess you can say I'm back in a pretty dark place now.


If you can't handle me at my worst then you definitely don't deserve me at my best.

It's been almost a whole year.

So much has changed. I opened myself up in such ways on this site that I'm always afraid to on Tumblr. I'm getting a lot better at it on there but I feel like all those people judge me still.






I miss you, every day.