I despise myself for feeling this way. Regardless how upset I am or fed up I get, I've ALWAYS been the positive one lately. As much as I'm trying to reassure myself, I think I'm the only one trying so hard right now.

It's like I'm in this alone now.

This is how I feel at this moment: hurt, lost, my throat is sore as ever, the struggle to keep my eyes open, hopeful, my eyes swelling up, headache.

Tammy, everything's going to be okay. You're going to get through this as always.

I'm beginning to wonder if typing out what I have to say will make me feel better. When everything feels like it's going to fall apart, I have to hold myself together. If I don't, I'm going to resent myself for it. It's not a matter of pride or proving something to someone. The fact that I'm making the effort to hold myself together and not refuse to fall completely is a start. Nothing is going to break me, I won't let it. I will never let that happen to me again.

So either my contacts are that far out of prescription or my eyes are just too swallow now days for me to see.

Sometimes, it frustrates me so much when it shouldn't. Like when I try sooooo hard to make it okay. I do things that I shouldn't do just to make it okay but I'm not sure if it's enough.

Tammy, everything's gonna be okay. Remember to take a few breathers here and there.

Now I know why I can't concentrate on studying.

All the little crap is filling up on this space in my head aiodfbgajkdfgiadgknadfgkd

So don't just leave me hanging on

My first favorite Colbie song.

Today, my mommy got laid off her morning job.

I have cap hair. My mommy's the best. I miss her.

Since when was it so hard to answer someone instead of leaving them hanging?

Aside from now, today was a good day.

Night #3

I'm here for myself, not for some quick cash.

After hours and hours of mopping in my little hole, I'm deciding to get over myself. For some reason, I'm always threaten by the feeling that me being away at college makes me a snob compared to the others of the pact. Others meaning the ones not going to school, my age or younger, living for the moment of R&R's, Trues, and anything but school. I'm referencing the ones that don't think they have a future in education or the ones that are going to school to make what they're doing acceptable.

I believe we all have the opportunity of an education whether we want to accept it or not. It's okay to work minimum wage and it's okay to want to be independent. But when does pride and greed takes over and we just keep wanting more money because we want to live life carefree. I'm finally accepting that it's a mind over matter kinda thing. Yeah, it's not a cliche but it' the truth. I never appreciated education until college. Not because I'm paying for it but because it feels good to learn something new everyday. Am I going to use it in the future? Most likely not but it's nice to know how things work the way they do and why things are they way they are. About 90% of the time, we're gonna hate ourselves for the classes we're taking, the midterms and projects we stay up all night for but isn't the best part the sense of accomplishment we feel when we're done? Maybe the fact that we stayed up all night to pass or failed, at least we finished and know somewhere that we actually tried. Some effort is always better than none and I think that we forget that sometimes. What if we're not trying hard enough or just don't care enough? We actually care and want to make our time worthy, we have to do everything we can. 

I value my education and I don't necessarily only believe that you can only learn the things you learn in school. But hey, some of the stuff is pretty handy in random conversations with random people in random places. (I just really wanted to do that.) Education is an opportunity, so why not take it? The opportunity cost of education is ridiculous but I think everyone could make it worth their while. I mean, they keep telling us that it's gonna pay off, give us a few initials on our resumes (that we spend about $100k for), and provide us with a good future. Why not take the chance?

Story of my life: I babble. At least I got it out. I will never be able to blog the things I don't here on tumblr because I really suck at criticism. I want honesty but I don't think I could handle people making something out of nothing. Nothing meaning, I'm just saying all this for my own reassurance because my hand hurts when I write too much and I don't think keeping a journal is very eco-friendly and I'm too lazy to.

Hey CP, #JD, and RG. Is this better than one lined blogs of misery? 

For the first time in a while, I'm afraid to do whatever-the-fuck I want.

Today is another one of those days

I'd like to crawl into a hole and cry.

Lunar New Year/Valentine's Day

Who would've thought Tet and Valentine's Day would be on the same day?

Anyway, growing up my mom has always insisted that we're as happy and positive as we can be on the 1st. Well, I haven't been doing too good a job today. Tuan asked us to watch Landon for a bit while he went to get Vivian and what not. I originally told Clarenz I'd be over by 2 but he wasn't back til 330 and all this other stuff. I got really upset because I hate flaking on people and making them wait on me especially since Clarenz got the weekend off just to hang out with me and we didn't get to yesterday. I'm angry and freaking out over something I have no control over and jhcdhdhdf. I'm dumb and now I feel bad for making Tuan feel like bad for ruining my plans. Hjhdkjdfdjd I need to stop being like this.

I've learned that I have horrible OCD and everything always has to go as planned. I'm so bipolar at being flexible especially when I'm under pressure. I have such a hard time balancing my time between my family, friends and boyfriend sometime. It's a bad habit. I don't know who to please, who to put off, and it's difficult since I have so little time each time I'm home.

Okay, we're finally back 2.5hrs late.

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

This week has been good.

I feel a lot better now.

P.S. No more doing nice things for people.

I would like to introduce you to the finer things

February is here and I'm already feeling better.

Today, I finally broke a hundred in bowling class. It's not like I can't because I can but for some reason I can't in class. How lame. So maybe I am still a little bitter and sad. Okay, fine I am. But I'm trying not to mope about it. I'm trying to tell myself that maybe it isn't all my fault. Okay a good half, still.

I'm glad that every time #JD and I reunite it doesn't seem like we haven't seen one another in months. We just picked up from we left off. I miss #JG but I was never able to make time to see her when she was home. She tried calling me a few times but us hanging out never happened. Heroes forever.

My friendship with Angelina is such a hate/love. I wish she didn't forget about our friendship every time she's with or something. I know this for a fact because the only time she called me in the summer was when they broke up for a few hours and she decided to check up on me then. I hope the "balance" key chain I gave you for Christmas reminds you of T&A. If there is one thing that hurts me is when friends forget about their friends when they're in a relationship. I don't care how self-centered I sound because I know I make an effort with my friends when I'm with my friends. I know that because my ex-boyfriend told me I never hung out with him and I just hung out with my friends.

I need to learn that we all grow up and kinda go our own way and it's up to hold our friendship together. Then again, don't friends just happen? You shouldn't have to try so hard. Well, I've come to realize that some things as great as friendships and relationships don't just happen that easily. I don't like preaching, I never have. Cause if I'm able to get all this into words, it'll seem more real for me.

Sometimes I'm sure I take my friends in SLO for granted. Asis is always up for some crazy chat about random ass shit. My littles Hao and Ha take such good care of me that it makes me seem like a horrrrrrible Big, I need to fix that. I've gotten close with Thanh the past few weeks and she's great. Tony, Derek, and all of "busssssineeesss" always give me a good time. Brian and Albert always look for out for me and a night out with these boys are NEVER boring and always memorable. My roomies and I always whine and complain to one another our random shit and hopefully us living together next year works out. I need to see Amy more. Q and Michael alwaysalways invite me over to Cal Parks for dinner, drinking and chillin with them.

I have it so much better than I make it seem, what a shame. Blogging to TSL was effective ♥

January

So, I didn't really have a real sincere post at all this month and that disappoints me because I have so much free time now. Also since I've had so much on my mind and much more on my mind. I'm more disappointed in myself for almost being as discontent with this quarter/month as I was last year. I told myself I was gonna work on it and not let it turn out like last month. Now, there's about 29 minutes left and I'm only hoping for a better month.

Then again, hoping can only do so much. I need to do something about it. Maybe I should be more on top of school and life to make it up to myself. Honestly, I just miss my friends a lot right now. I miss Clarenz. I miss Ralph. I miss my Greaterest. I miss #JD. I miss #JG. I miss Angelina. Sometimes, I even miss when being close with Donna. I miss Asis and sometimes T3. I miss the little bit of confidence I had last quarter. There are so many things I miss right now, I can't even list them all. Most of all, I miss loving SLO.

Really, I miss my friends a lot. Maybe that's why I always miss high school. All of our little outings and adventures whether we had cars or not. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm beginning to think I did this for myself. The summers with #JD. By the way, I still have the cookie hero thing. I miss tearing shit up with the boys. I remember that one night us plus Aladin went hot tubbing at Catalina Apts and just went to Jack in the Box after doing random shit.

Thanks for still sticking by me Clarenz, especially these last few weeks. ♥

My heart hurts.

February, we're gonna have a good time. Good night.

I want

understanding and honesty.

This is my 8th day in a row crying for one reason or another.

:(

I hate you money. I thought about it and most of the money I spent this quarter has been towards food for the next month. It's all been necessities like books, fees, gas money to drive back and forth from home, Clarenz, food, school stuff. Also paid back old debts I have to other people. Oh and two pairs jeans from Abercrombie and a few long sleeves but that was only $100. And paid a $300 phone bill. I'm broke. Now I'm running out of eye liner and want rain boots and new sneakers but can't afford to buy it and still have money for bills. :( Going home = eating out and spending money but at least I get to see Clarenz, #JD, Mom, Tuan, and Landon. I've submitted so many applications, someone give me a job please :(

At this point

I just really miss him and I want the fighting and awkwardness to go away already..

and I miss my mom and Tuan.

I wish I was selfish enough to ask for a visit.