Sigh, how did I go from being the super aggressive, short-temper person to being so passive? And it's still not enough... I never know the right things to say to not piss you off anymore. It's like I'm talking to Tim or someone. I have to choose the right words in the right tones or else I'm setting off your temper.

If you want me to drop it, I'll drop it. I'll bite my tongue as much as I can, I will.


This is the person I've become.

The pressures increasing more and more every day. Happiness isn't something that should be forced, it should just happen. And when it happens, I'll be happy. I'm not trying to walk around pretending I'm happy. Been there and done that, it got me here. I don't need someone to force it onto me, if they want to be there then they'll be next to me.

All my life, I've been told what a strong person I was and everything but it doesn't feel like I have much to show for it. It's like.. each time someone reminds me how strong I am, I feel that much weaker.

Yeah, that feeling of never being enough. I hate being one of those girls. I fucking haaaaaaaate it. Not happy enough, not positive enough, not confident enough, not anything enough. Those feelings where no matter how much you try, it is not enough. That's how you make me feel sometimes. That my effort aren't there and I'm not listening. I listen, I really really listen. I've been my tongue and held back from so many slips lately. I don't get annnnny credit for it?! None?!

It's to the point where I feel like I have to go somewhere else to spill myself because I'm afraid to say the wrong things to you. The wrong things that'll upset you or disappoint you or annoy you or make you mad. Half of me knows you're probably never going to read this but at least I'm putting it out here to relieve myself rather than telling you and pissing you off. I also know that people don't read this anymore so I don't necessarily have to put it on private. If you do stumble upon this one day, I guess you'll know what's going through my head. Nothing so much to spite or make you mad, this is just how I feel on the inside right now.

-_-

Are there any girls that talk to you that you haven't tried getting at?

In the past 36 days, I've spent a total of 22 full days (all 24 hours) in SLO. That's 61.1%. That doesn't sound so bad until you factor that fact that I'm technically going to school here full-time. I've been going through hell and back lately with all of this traveling but a part of me has been more happy at home. I feel so guilty saying that but I do. Maybe I'm just going through a phase again or something because SLO doesn't necessarily give me any reason to not be happy.

I think I just need some time to figure out my life, my wants, needs and everything else. I'm not really sure where I'm supposed do all of this figuring out at though. My heart's been with the Bay lately though. I find myself going back and forth about where I consider my safe haven to be. First, it was SLO then it was the Bay then back to SLO and now it's the Bay again.

What to do, what to do. I would have never thought that I'd be in the position that I am today. I wouldn't necessarily say regret though..